The Power of Letting Go – How to Let Go of 7 Things Today!
Hello friends and welcome! I am so happy to have you here! Today we are going to dive into how to release control in certain areas of your life. The power of letting go is truly life changing! I am sure that you will not regret your decision to take these important steps! So, if you are looking for a calmer, more fulfilling life full of internal freedom you have come to the right place!
We all try to grip on to control over various aspects of our lives to varying degrees. After all, it is a common human belief that the more control we have the safer we are. This belief is really nothing but an illusion though. Trying to control parts of our lives that we do not really have control over can actually lead to excessive stress which according to scientists ‘affects all systems of the body including the musculoskeletal, respiratory, cardiovascular, endocrine, gastrointestinal, nervous, and reproductive systems’.1 This in itself should give us a strong push towards developing healthier patterns and utilizing the power of letting go!
I have been through hours and hours of therapy and done lots of research and reflection. Through this process, I have realized that it is releasing control that gives us real power and internal serenity. If you want want to lead a happier life, releasing control in certainly not an area to gloss over!
I am no expert-psychologist but I am a person who has dealt with the impact of trying to grip onto controlling these areas of my life. I have poured a lot of energy and time into researching control so that you don’t have to! You can feel confident that the information you are following is backed up by professionals because I have cited and followed experts in the field!
‘The more you try to control something the more it controls you. Free yourself and let things take their own natural course’
So, let’s dive in and get started. Here are the 7 areas where holding on to control is holding you back from leading your happiest life! Lets start tapping into the power of letting go people!
1. Other People’s Opinions About Us
Unfortunately we are all guilty to an extent of worrying whether or not other people like us. Many of us fixate on how much others like us, what other people think of us and whether or not they will want to pursue a friendship with us.
This is natural, after all we are extremely social beings! A recent study by the University of Michigan Medical School has even found that in the brain, social rejection hurts in the same way (with similar brain patterns) as physical pain!2 If our brains register social rejection as something so severe, of course we would care about being accepted and liked by others!
What many of us forget is that our abilities to read others are very limited! When we are hyper vigilant to other people’s opinion of us, we actually tend to appear more anxious and reserved. This impacts how other people react to us and can result in a self- fulfilling prophecy. After all, other people are just as sensitive to rejection as we! Acting more reserved and less open and calm around others can result in people mirroring our behaviour. This could make them wary that our guardedness means we are or will reject them! This can make it more difficult to build trust and develop relationships with other people.
In addition to this, many of us forget that our ability to read others is limited! Trying to ‘mind-read’ and understand what other people think of us is usually ineffective. Research has found that more often than not, our opinions of what others think of us simply reflect what we think about ourselves. Cooney, a social psychologist at Harvard University after performing research claimed that “We don’t know what other people are thinking, and so we substitute our own thoughts about ourselves for what other people think”3. Since we do not even have the ability to accurately judge what others think about us, there really is no point worrying about other’s judgements!
Remember that we have no control over what other people think of us. Other people form opinions of us and react to us in ways that are based on their own life experiences, and all of their own insecurities!! What other people think of us reflects more about who they are than who we are!! The people who are truly worthy of being in your life will appreciate and accept you for who you are and you will not have to worry about what they think about you!!
Trying to control what other people think of you is a WASTE of valuable mental energy that could be put towards a better purpose. Long-term hypervigilance and people-pleasing behaviour has been found to make people vulnerable to exhaustion and Burnout4. Trying to control what other people think of you is simply not worth it. so let go! the power of letting go outweighs any benefits of clinging on to the illusion of control!
So, now that we have explained why trying to control the opinions other people have of us is energy draining and damaging, let’s talk about ways we can stop this harmful cycle!
‘What other people think of me is none of my business’
Techniques to Release Control of what Other People Think of Us – Utilize the Power of Letting Go
Try to take risks in relationships. If you are used to people-pleasing behaviour (a form of trying to control what others think of you) try to test yourself and step out of your comfort zone. Do something that you want to do but that your mind would have previously told you not to do. This acts as an ‘exposure’ and will help teach your brain that non-people pleasing behaviours are still safe! You can journal about what you have learnt and look back on your experience for future times!
Another very helpful exercise to use is ‘Radical Acceptance’ this is a DBT therapy technique that has been very helpful to me! Radical acceptance is when you accept whatever others may think of you- the good and the bad. You accept that you may not like it if they disliked you but you decide to hold back from trying to control it- it is out of your hands. This will actually make you more relaxed in relationships because you know that you will be okay regardless of anyone else’s opinions on you. You can find more information about Radical Acceptance here https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614.
Increasing our awareness of our thoughts and feelings – increasing mindfulness. When we start to notice our thoughts and feelings, we are able to automatically pick out unhelpful thinking patterns. When you notice yourself falling into the trap of worrying about what others think about you or trying to do certain things to make others like you: notice the thought, accept that you feel the way that you do because you care about what others think of you and that is okay. Once you have done that, take a deep breath and tell yourself that you are not going to entertain this thought. After you have done that choose to move away from the thought.
Practice acts of self-love. When you are worried about what others think of you, it is a sign that you are feeling insecure in yourself. Give yourself that extra bit of love! Whatever validation you feel you need from other people, try to find a way to give it to yourself! (You can write yourself a card or practice words of affirmation – these are just a few examples).
2. Other People’s Thoughts and Emotions
Just like we can’t control other people’s opinions of us, we can’t control the thoughts or feelings of other people. Many of us fall into the trap of thinking ‘person X is happy because I did this’ or ‘person X is feeling lonely because I didn’t visit’. While it is important to be sensitive to the feelings of other people, it is ESSENTIAL to our mental wellbeing to realise that other people are responsible for their own emotions. The power of letting go of responsibility over other people’s thoughts and emotions is hugely beneficial for the mind and body!
Taking on responsibility for how other people think and feel, and for the decisions that other people make can have very damaging effects. These effects include excessive guilt and pressure that will drain your energy and take away from your own happiness and health. We can influence how others feel but it is not our responsibility to MAKE others happy (this is different if you are the carer of someone who is incapable of looking after themselves e.g. a young child). It is also important to remember that other people’s feelings are based on many things including biological chemicals, previous life events and situations that we cannot control. So remember, other people’s moods are NOT dependent on you!
Exercises to Release Control of Other People’s Thoughts and Emotions – Utilize the Power of Letting Go of These
As we discussed previously, developing greater awareness of your own thoughts and emotions can help greatly with identifying unhealthy and unhelpful thought patterns so that you can choose to let go.
Another greatly important part of developing self- awareness is learning what you are and aren’t responsible for. This video by therapist Kati Morton is excellent at explaining what you are responsible for https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rv8a2OrBmpE&t=178s.
Practicing radical acceptance here can also help. This may include accepting that you feel distressed if someone is unhappy but that their emotions are not your responsibility. When you accept this, you will find it easier to let go of feeling guilty or self- blame.
Setting boundaries is also extremely important. You can write down these boundaries in a journal e.g. ‘I will be available to person X during the day but at 7pm I will switch off and I don’t have to respond to texts…’ or ‘I can think about ways to help person X for a half an hour but I will not spend all day worrying how to help them’.
Checking in with ourselves routinely to identify whether you are holding on to tension caused by trying to control or take responsibility for other people’s emotional states. If you are holding on to tension you can try and release this through exercise or breathing. Here is a link to some physical exercises to relieve tension https://www.self.com/gallery/relaxing-exercises . You can also practice deep breathing to calm the mind and body. To do this breathe in through the nose, pause for a moment and then breathe out slowly through the mouth. Remember, releasing control is powerful but it can feel uncomfortable if it is unfamiliar.
3. The Opinions of The People Close to You
This one is similar to point 1 but I thought it was very important to mention. So many of us automatically adopt the opinions of the people we are closest to. It is very common to take on the opinions of those you look up to. We tend to accept these opinions as fact. Because you are close to these people it can be difficult to separate your own likes and dislikes, opinions, and views from theirs.
Letting go of close family and friend’s opinions can reduce your need to live up to other people’s expectations. This is a form of releasing control. It may seem scary to start off with! After all, so many of us live our lives on autopilot, through the lens of the likes and dislikes of those we are close to.
When you choose to let go of the opinions of other people and you become more aware of what you really like and dislike It can lead to great growth! You will start to find out what is important to you. You will find it easier to live a life that is more aligned with your values! Your life will have so much more harmony! You will start surrounding yourself with people you really connect with (not people your sister connects to). It will also be easier to follow your own career path and your own dreams! Most importantly, you will become better at prioritising your needs. This is because when you live by your own judgements over other people’s, you focus more on what is important to you. You take better care of yourself! That is the power of letting go and releasing control!
Techniques to Let Go of the Opinions of Those You are Close To – Utilize the Power of Letting Go of What isn’t Healthy
The exercises involved here are very similar to Point 1. As we discussed earlier, increasing awareness of your thoughts and feelings is essential here! Start to question your judgments more, you can think ‘is this really what I think or is this just what those around me think?’
When you are more aware of your thought patterns and you have unhealthy/unhelpful opinions that you have adopted from others, choose to make an active move to step out of your comfort zone and do what YOU want to do. This is a form of exposure, a very effective technique to reduce fear around something you find uncomfortable or scary. You can find out more about what an ‘exposure’ is here https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/insight-therapy/201009/overcoming-fear-the-only-way-out-is-through.
If it is a belief that you have adopted from someone close to you, you can make a mental note to yourself that you do not have to live by this belief (e.g. if the people around you believe that that expressing emotions is weak, make a conscious mental or physical note to yourself that this is not a belief you identify with or live by).
Remember that there is nothing wrong with taking on the beliefs of other people, it is when they do not serve you and are harmful to you that you should try and reshape them. Before you take this step, be careful to consider the opinions of others – at times others know better than you do.
Journaling is also a very helpful tool. Journaling helps you to discover more about your own values. This can bring previously unconscious beliefs and values to the front of your mind. This will help you to more aware of them. Remember, you cannot fully utilize the power of letting go if you do not know what to let go of!
4. Expecting to Feel a Certain Way
Now, this is something that I have struggled a lot with over the years. Expecting to feel a certain way can be very harmful. When we expect to feel negative, it can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy where we end up feeling negative!
Surprisingly, expecting to feel happy can also be damaging. It is good to try and see the positives and be an optimistic person. However, if we are at the point where we are always monitoring our mood, expecting to feel a certain way we can start to lose track of the moment. We lose the ability to be mindful. Have you ever been in a situation where you are at a party, or on holiday but the moment is ruined by constant thoughts of ‘am I enjoying this as much as I should be enjoying it’ and ‘am I really feeling happy’? These thoughts have certainly ruined peaceful moments for me! When we release control and allow the power of letting go to take over, we can really live mindfully. When we release control and allow the power of letting go to take over, we can really live mindfully.
Even if these thoughts do not completely ruin the moment, our attempt to control our feelings take away from it. If instead, we chose to let go of trying to control how we felt we could fully absorb ourselves in the moment and gain the most out of it. Instead of clinging on to control, letting go and choosing to ride the waves can lead to a much more fluid and enjoyable experience!
If we stay focussed on our feelings, we cannot be truly present and that is a real shame!
Techniques to Release Control of our Expectation – Utilize the Power of Letting Go
Self- awareness (once again) is SO important here. Sometimes we are not fully present in the moment, and we do not know why. Identifying that feeling and then labelling it and choosing to let go of it is so important here.
Practicing mindfulness and choosing to be mindful in the moment can also be very helpful. Instead of being preoccupied with how you are feeling, choose to notice everything around you. Notice the people, the noises, really absorb yourself in what is going on. Try to remind yourself that you will never have this particular moment again! Remember, you can notice your emotions the key is to not get stuck in them or let them take over! YOU can choose to let your emotions go. Do this by labelling them as something unhelpful and choosing to shift your focus to the present moment. Here is a good website to practice mindfulness exercises https://mindfulnessbox.com/mindfulness-exercises/. Remember the power of letting go comes from our abilities to make conscious choices.
Try to let go of expectations for the future. Instead, choose to ride the waves as they come.
Notice judgements as they come up. Hours and hours of therapy has taught me that judgements lead to emotions. So, when you have a fleeting thought of ‘I should be feeling this way’ or ‘this isn’t as good as it should be’ catch hold of these thoughts. After that, label them as unhelpful and choose to let go of them! Here is a website that can help you practice letting go of negative judgments https://dialecticalbehaviortherapy.com/mindfulness/letting-go/
5. Perfection- The Perfect Routine, Perfect Diet, Perfect Relationship, etc
We all strive for the best but when we are only happy with perfection it can end up resulting in an all-or-nothing approach. Seeing everything as either ‘perfect’ or ‘bad’ can hold us back in so many areas of life! The power of letting go is that we are actually able to perform better when the pressure is off!
For example, someone who is only satisfied with perfection may think that because they did not eat a ‘healthy’ breakfast their day is already ruined. They may feel like giving up on trying to be productive for the remainder of the day. This is actually an act of self-sabotage and will lead to less success.
Additionally, being preoccupied with perfection can lead to tension in relationships due to the pressure this unrealistic expectation causes. A fixation on a perfectly healthy diet can result in someone becoming burnt out in the process and completely giving up. Only being satisfied with perfection in your work life can also hold you back. If you do not complete a task to your liking, you may be excessively self-critical. This can take a toll on your self-esteem and actually impact your future performance!
None of us are perfect and pressure to be perfect can make it more difficult for us to persevere.
This is also true for anyone trying to heal from mental illness. Through my own experience and from research, recovery is not a straight journey. It is a rocky journey that can go backwards and forwards! If you hold on to the idea of perfection, you may not be able to get back up and keep trying to recover when you face a backwards spiral or something you perceive as a backwards spiral! It is so so important to release control and let go of the idea of perfection! If you take things as they come and ride the waves you are far more likely to reach your goals without having to sacrifice your self-esteem along the way!
There is also research that shows that perfectionism leads to procrastination so there are many reasons why letting go of perfectionism will benefit your life greatly! Those who are preoccupied with perfectionism tend to avoid taking risks where they may not perform to a perfect level. This can result in them losing out on great, possibly life altering opportunities. Remember, every decision that you make changes your course of future decisions! It is so beneficial here to step back allow the power of letting go to take its course.
One thing we need to consider is that sometimes perfectionism is difficult to spot! In order to spot all-or-nothing thinking patterns, you have to develop a sense of awareness over your thoughts and feelings.
‘Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in’
-Leonard Cohen
Techniques to Release Control and Let Go of Perfectionism – Utilize the Power of Letting Go
Self-awareness here is key (we have mentioned this one in every single point so far!!). Notice patterns of unhelpful perfectionism in your thinking. Choose to label those thoughts and emotions and let go of them. Letting go of them doesn’t mean they will go away. The feelings may still be present. The difference is you will not be attending to them or paying attention to them!
Learning more about perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking can also help you to increase your level of self-awareness. You can learn more about tackling perfectionism here https://www.counselling-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/perfectionism-why-your-best-never-feels-good-enough. This website will give you more information and techniques to identify and tackle all-or-nothing thinking https://www.planningmindfully.com/black-and-white-thinking/.
Affirmations. Get a journal or a piece of paper and write down ‘I do not need to be perfect’ or ‘I am enough as I am’ or anything that resonates. Try to do this regularly enough to have the thoughts in your mind so that it really sticks.
Try to do things even when you may not do them ‘well’, take the plunge. You don’t know what you could be missing out on by procrastinating or avoiding things you think you are not ‘good enough’ at. release control of outcomes!
6. Comparison to Other People
This may sound cliché but comparing ourselves to other people is such a causal habit of so many people. This is so normalised but so damaging! Every time we negatively compare ourselves to others, we are reinforcing the belief that we are not good enough as we are. This has an impact beyond imaginable!
When you compare yourself to others, you are only looking at a very small part of a large picture. There is no point to comparison because none of us know what other people’s lives, relationships, health, etc. look like in their true form. Maybe another person has something you do not have in one area. I am certain that you have something they don’t have in another area though.
Comparison is the thief of joy and takes away from your own appreciation for what you have. So choose to focus on your own growth journey tapping into the power of letting go! Releasing control is your choice to make.
Techniques to Let Go of Comparison – Utilize the Power of Letting Go
When you find yourself comparing yourself to other people remind yourself that you are enough as you are. Instead of focussing on what you do not have try to think of something you love about yourself that you are grateful for.
Excessive comparison to others often comes from low self esteem and insecurity. Try to work on your self-esteem through regular journaling. Try to get to the bottom of what is causing your insecurities. Awareness is power. Positive affirmations of things you really do like about yourself can also be very helpful. You can also write down compliments that you have received that have made you feel good about yourself.
When you are comparing yourself to others try to remember that you are not seeing the full picture. Often other people’s lives are not as you expect.
Instead of excessively comparing yourself to others, try to focus on what you can do to improve the parts of your life you are unsatisfied with. When you negatively compare your life to others, it is a sign that you are not fully satisfied with your share. This is something you can change! If the fixation is on something you can not possibly change, work on shifting your mindset so that you feel more satisfied with what you have. You can do this through the radical acceptance technique we spoke about earlier!
Another technique that has been powerful for me is to start shifting my attitudes towards other people. Start viewing people as friends to take inspiration from instead of competitors. Try to foster love and appreciation for the people around you so that you are happy for their success rather than jealous! This will also help you to build stronger, more genuine bonds to those around you!
7. The Outcomes of Your Actions
We are now on our final point! If you have gotten to this point, I am seriously impressed! The power of letting go is now in your knowledge and hopefully you will take action! This point is important because we have control over the effort we put into something but we do not have control over the outcomes! Releasing control of the outcomes of our work will take away unnecessary stress. This will help us to lead an easier life! Excessive stress over the outcomes of our work can sometimes even lead to us underperforming!
How to Let Go and Release Control of the Outcomes of our Actions – Utilize the Power of Letting Go
Remind yourself that once you have put the effort in that is all you can do, and you have done enough. You can put quotes around your room or reminders on your phone if it will help you. The result of your work is out of your hands, you are choosing to release control that you never really had.
Try to set boundaries for yourself e.g. tell yourself I will work hard during the day but at 7pm I am letting myself switch off and let go of thinking about work.
If you have made it to this point I am very proud of you! Today we discussed 7 areas of life where releasing control and utilizing the power of letting go is extremely beneficial! We also spoke about techniques that you can use to take this learning and bring it to action! Well done for being here and for investing in your personal development journey. I hope that I have been able to help you today! I strongly encourage you to continue learning about control and growing. It is hugely important for living your happiest, healthiest most fulfilling life! You will not regret it! There is such an immense power to letting go!
If you need a breather after that intense learning session you can head over to my mindful scrapbooking page https://serenelycreative.com/how-to-make-a-vintage-scrapbook-with-coffee-stained-paper/. Otherwise, please share this page with anyone who you think will benefit from it. You can also return to this page if you need a refresher or if you are slipping into negative habits again!
I really feel privileged to have been able to help you today along your important personal development journey!
Sending love and hugs,
Serenely Creative
You can reach out at connect@serenelycreative.com I would love to hear from you!
- American Psychological Association (2018). Stress Effects on the Body. [online] American Psychological Association. Available at: https://www.apa.org/topics/stress/body. ↩︎
- Study illuminates the ‘pain’ of social rejection (2011). Study illuminates the ‘pain’ of social rejection. [online] University of Michigan News. Available at: https://news.umich.edu/study-illuminates-the-pain-of-social-rejection/. ↩︎
- Time (n.d.). People Like You More Than You Think, a New Study Suggests. [online] Available at: https://time.com/5396598/good-first-impression/. ↩︎
- Smith, M. (2023). People-pleasers are at a higher risk of burnout, says Harvard-trained psychologist – how to spot the signs. [online] CNBC. Available at: https://www.cnbc.com/2023/05/21/harvard-trained-psychologist-people-pleasers-are-at-higher-risk-for-burnout. ↩︎
