How to Live a Better Life as an Enneagram Type 4
Welcome in type 4s! As a fellow enneagram type 4, I really understand the struggles of our enneagram type. As type 4s, we have so much creative potential that can help us to achieve success in practically every area of life! Today you will learn how to strategically live better as an enneagram type 4.
As enneagram type 4 individuals, we also have unique struggles. Our negative core beliefs about ourselves and the world can really hold us back and in some cases facilitate mental illness and suffering. We have free will though and we do not need to give in to these limitations!
Today you will learn about 15 ways to live better. These will be specific to the type 4 enneagram personality. These techniques will help you work towards a life of self-actualization where you thrive with your talents and work towards healing the more challenging parts of being a type 4. You will truly be your own hero! So, lets get on right away, lets learn how to be content with our lives and glow! Let’s learn to live better!
Tactic One – Be your Own Hero by Developing Incredible Self-Awareness
Every enneagram type has unique core fears and core desires. When we are unaware of our unhealthy mental processes, we can’t change them! We BECOME them. By building awareness of your triggers and thought processes you are able to observe how you think and feel instead of BEING your thoughts, triggers, and feelings. By doing this, you are essentially taking back control! And as a result of this you will live better.
Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.
Carl Jung
You can develop this increased level of awareness doing a number of things:
1.First, you can gain an understanding of your core beliefs. Core beliefs are the glasses you see the world through. Core beliefs are deep-rooted, largely unconscious beliefs that we have usually picked up as a child. Everyone has these unique core beliefs, and they impact all of the decisions we make. They impact what we desire. They also impact how we view ourselves, the world, and our future.
When we do not clearly identify these core beliefs, we live by them. They impact our automatic thoughts and ultimately our life direction. When we become aware of them, we are able to realise that they are JUST beliefs, they are likely false or limiting, and we are no longer bound by them.
Each enneagram type has different core beliefs. As an enneagram type 4, many of us will have a core belief that we are somehow less worthy than others, defective, and insignificant as we are. Learn more about your own unique core beliefs- this will help you to live better because you will learn why you make the decisions and react the way you do. You can find out more about how to identify core beliefs and change core beliefs here. There is also some information about the enneagram type 4 that is useful as a starting point for you to identify your core beliefs. You can find that here.
2. The second thing you can do to help you build incredible awareness is shadow work. Shadow work is a type of inner work that you can do by yourself. It is based on the idea that we all have a ‘shadow self’- the parts of ourselves that we reject. By doing shadow work you work towards accepting all the parts of yourself. You become aware of your triggers, fears, and desires. Shadow work is an incredible tool to help you live better! You can truly be your own hero with the help of shadow work! To find out more about shadow work, click here.
Tactic 2- Live Better as an Enneagram Type 4 by Familiarising Yourself with your Coping Mechanisms
We all have coping mechanisms. Coping mechanisms are the behaviours we do to avoid stress. They are often techniques that helped us to avoid distress in a situation when we were younger. Our brains have not clocked that these techniques are usually no longer helpful to us. They actually limit us, causing more damage than good.
The most common coping mechanism of the enneagram type 4 is called introjection. This description of introjection by The Enneagram in Business sums up introjection excellently ‘Instead of repelling critical information and negative experiences that can cause a person anxiety or pain, individuals introject the information – that is, they fully absorb, internalize, and incorporate these data into their sense of self… Fours introject negative information – and repel positive data – about themselves as a way of coping with painful information and neutralizing external threats. They prefer to deal with self-inflicted damage rather than having to respond to criticism or rejection from others.’1 You can find out more about the enneagram type 4 and introjection by clicking here.
As type fours, we may also take on some of the coping mechanisms of the type 3 and the type 5 (identification and isolation respectively). You can find out more about that by clicking here.
Building up your knowledge of your coping mechanisms will truly help you to live better as an enneagram type 4. Once you have the knowledge you no longer have to believe the unhelpful lies your mind tells you to ‘protect you’. You can reassure your mind and say ‘thank you for your kind intentions, these coping mechanisms may have helped me in a situation when I was younger, but I do not need them now. I am safe now without them’.
Tactic 3- Find Healthier Coping Mechanisms to Be your Own Hero as an Enneagram Type 4
The unhealthy coping mechanisms we spoke about in tactic 2 don’t change on their own. If you want to shift your life towards its healthiest state, you must be your own hero and take the steps yourself!
You can do this by developing healthier tactics to help yourself cope. These will be different for everyone. Here is a list of some healthy coping mechanisms that could help you to live better:
1.Sitting with emotions- accepting the good and the bad, moment to moment. We all have distressing emotions at times, and sometimes the enneagram type 4 can have lots of these! When we get stuck to our emotions and bind to them we overly identify with them. When we try to push them away, they can actually stay for longer. Instead, work on learning how to observe and accept emotions, living in the moment. You can find out more about how to do that by clicking here.
2. Developing healthy boundaries and self-care practices for yourself. Remember, you are your own parent. I know that sounds strange, but it is so true! You can find out more about this in my article here. Setting boundaries in place to protect your own mental, emotional, and physical wellbeing is so important. This may include setting time out for yourself to eat a healthy breakfast, or limiting the amount of time you spend with someone who drains your energy.
3. Another healthy coping mechanism is using creative outlets to process difficult emotions. Being a type 4 enneagram means that you are likely very naturally creative. Try to explore different artforms and channel your energy into them. You can find out more about healthy coping tactics by clicking here.
Tactic 4- Live Better as an Enneagram Type 4 by Creating Emotional Objectivity
One of the most common traits of an enneagram type 4 individual is being emotionally led. As type 4s, we can tend to use our hearts over our heads. There are benefits to this – we are perceptive and highly intuitive; we are introspective and empathic. However, in some cases being emotionally led can hold us back from living our best lives.
In tactic 3 we spoke about the importance of accepting your emotions. The key is to accept your emotions, developing skills to prevent them from directing your life and absorbing or overwhelming you
The idea is to accept the emotion you are feeling in the moment, but to add a layer of objectivity and logic to them so that you are not stuck in that emotion. The truth is, the more emotion we feel, the more real a problem feels. By learning these two emotion-management techniques you can be your own hero by shifting to a state where you can experience an emotion and still retain a level of wise objectivity.
Technique 1- thought defusion: thought defusion is a tactic that can be used to help you create distance between yourself and your thoughts, so that you can judge them more wisely and objectively. There are many helpful thought defusion techniques that you can use. Here is a great one for you: when you are experiencing any negative or distressing thoughts (and remember, it is the thoughts that cause the emotions!) take a moment to pause and then repeat your thought or feeling with the words ‘I had a thought/feeling that…’ at the start. This will bring you back to a grounded calm where you are reminded that thoughts are JUST thoughts and feelings are JUST feelings. This can help prevent you from staying stuck in painful or unhealthy thoughts. You can find more defusion techniques by clicking here.
Technique 2- Using a worry list: If you want to live better it is important to remember that emotions are only really useful while they serve a purpose. If you are continuously worrying about something that can’t be solved, you will put your mind and body through unnecessary suffering. You can make sure that you are only paying attention to helpful emotions using a worry list.
Every day, get a clean sheet of paper (or you can use the ‘notes’ app on your phone) and title it ‘worry list’. Throughout the day, when you are bothered by any stress or difficult thoughts/feelings, write them down on the list. Next, consciously make the decision to refocus on whatever task you are doing (even if that is just sitting or watching a YouTube video). At the end of the day set yourself 15 minutes to go through the list. For the problems/thoughts that have a solution, make a plan to solve them. Next, choose to let go of the thoughts and feelings that can’t be solved. Cross them off your list.
Tactic 5- Live Better by as an Enneagram Type 4 by Finding Balance
As type 4s we can be prone to mood-swings. We are highly emotional people, and many of us are very sensitive. You can truly be your own hero by building an environment of peace and stability for yourself.
There are several ways you can do this:
Technique 1- increasing your mindfulness: mindfulness is an extremely important form of stress relief. Try to build mindfulness into your everyday life. Remember, mindfulness is a skill that needs to be practiced. To start off with you can try to do one task a day. Give all of your attention to noticing the thoughts that are going through your head. Don’t analyse them, just let them float in and out. Notice sounds, smells, tastes, emotions that come up, textures, and the way your body is moving. This small additional step in your daily routine can bring you a sense of familiar stability and peace. Click here for lots of mindfulness activities for you to start off with.
Technique 2- creating effective morning and evening routines: morning and evening routines can provide you with a reliable sense of daily peace.
Try to smartly craft your morning and evening routines to recharge you with peace and security. This may look different for everyone. For me, taking 5 minutes for deep breathing in the morning, and then again in the evening helps me to release any tension that has been stored in my body. Gratitude is also an extremely effective exercise to help you to be content and live better. Each morning and each evening try to think of 3 things you are truly grateful for. Close your eyes and really feel the deep gratitude in your body.
Technique 3- maintain balance by planning ahead of time: the truth is, we all get triggered by one thing or another. Whether it be going to a certain place, seeing a certain person, etc. You can maintain balance in your life by planning ahead of these situations. This can be done in lots of different ways. You can give yourself a pep-talk before doing a certain activity that triggers stress in you. You can plan to take the night off after a day that you know you will find particularly draining. Additionally, you can prepare snacks for yourself in advance of a day you know you will find very busy and stressful, etc.
Technique 4- list making: make a list of things that energise you and bring you joy for when you are feeling down or stressed. You can even follow my step-by-step guide on how to make a jar of happiness. A Jar of Happiness is a jar with ways to respond to all of your biggest triggers and difficult emotions. You can find that here.
Tactic 6- Journal to Live a Better, more Fulfilling Life
Journalling is an invaluable tool for maintaining your wellbeing as an enneagram type 4. As type 4s, we tend to think deeply about the world. We have lots of thoughts to process, we are highly introspective and often deeply existential. Journaling is a great outlet to help us express and understand ourselves better.
Your journal doesn’t need to look pretty! You can use any journal and make it as messy as you need to. Here is a great video that will teach you about different journaling techniques for you to try out.
Tactic 7- Increase your Internal Validation to Be your Own Hero as an Enneagram Type 4
Those of us who are enneagram type 4’s tend to rely a lot on external validation to fulfil our emotional needs. As type 4s, our primary coping mechanism is introjection (you can learn more about that by looking back at tactic 2). This means that we are constantly absorbing and internalising the opinions, emotions, and beliefs of others.
It is important to remember that others are not always right about us! To achieve the highest level of confidence and security, start becoming your own source of validation. You will only be able to build up true self-esteem through internal validation. Here are some ways to validate yourself and minimise your valuation of external validation:
Technique 1- positive affirmations: it is so important for you to remind yourself of the great qualities you possess. You can do this by incorporating positive affirmations into your life. You can find out more about how to do that here.
Technique 2- positive self-talk: if you want to be your own hero, developing a compassionate internal dialogue is the first step. You deserve to be spoken to kindly, not only by other people but also by yourself! Developing a compassionate internal dialogue is difficult but a key step to happier living as an enneagram type 4! You can start by developing a sense of awareness. Notice the way you are speaking to yourself. If you wouldn’t speak to a friend unkindly, why would you speak to yourself unkindly? When you notice unking thoughts, shift them to more helpful, kinder thoughts. You can learn more about how to develop a positive internal dialogue here.
Tactic 8- Live Better as an Enneagram Type 4 by Nurturing your Talents
Those who are an enneagram type 4 are often highly creative individuals. Many of the tactics on this list focus on improving disruptive mental and behavioural patterns. While those are extremely important, it is also important to celebrate the natural giftedness of the type 4! In order to self-actualize, we need to nurture our innate talents. This can mean prioritising your talents by setting aside regular time to express yourself creatively or work on reaching your full creative potential. Remember that creativity doesn’t have to be painting. Creativity can be building your dream business or gardening, writing, or dancing, etc. As an enneagram type 4 you have great potential to bring light and innovation into the world, making it brighter and better for yourself and for others!
Tactic 9- Learn the Skill of Radical Acceptance to Level Up your Self Love as an Enneagram type 4 Personality Individual
It is common for enneagram type 4 individuals to struggle with low self-esteem. This is the result of the core belief of the type 4 – the belief that one is defective in some way, missing something that others seem to have. Many type 4s spend their life endlessly searching for this thing that makes them ‘incomplete’, thinking that when they identify what that thing is they will be able to ‘fix’ it and feel worthy and significant again. This core belief can also lead to type 4s searching for the things that make them special, worthy, unique and significant. The quest to feel worthy can be an exhaustingly chronic up and down journey. But it doesn’t have to be.
The truth is everyone has flaws and strengths. Being worthy and significant is a birth right. You are unique, worthy, and significant just by being human. You are complete as you are. There is no one else in the world like you, and there is no one else in the world who can complete the unique mission you are here to fulfil. There is nothing wrong with you.
Ring the bells that still can ring, forget your perfect offering. There is a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.
Leonard Cohen
Core beliefs hold a lot of emotion, they are deeply rooted – often from childhood, and very subconscious. Just because they feel true it doesn’t mean they are true. The more emotion there is, the more real something feels.
No one is perfect. We all have flaws, but the enneagram type 4 individual may fixate on these flaws more. This can lead to suffering and distress as the enneagram type 4 judges themselves, constantly trying to quantify their worth. They may consume themselves with analysing whether or not they are significant and worthy or deficient and defective. This can be a relentless and exhausting example of letting false core beliefs occupy your life’s meaning.
Here is a technique to help with overcoming this problem:
Radical acceptance: radical acceptance is a skill that requires observing thoughts, situations, and emotions without judging or trying to control them. Radical acceptance helps you to tolerate difficult emotions so that ‘pain doesn’t turn into suffering’.2
When we accept all shades of life- the ups and the downs, we get rid of the attachment to that pain. We are experiencing it, but we are no longer analysing it and worrying about why it is there, what it means, and when it will go.
Remember, acceptance doesn’t mean you agree with your anxieties, it simply means that you are choosing to let go. You are allowing your mind to deal with things as they come. Life feels so much easier when you let go of judgments and expectations. Judgments of yourself, and how you believe you are meant to be, judgments of the world, and judgments of your emotions.
An article from Verywell Mind states so wisely, ‘radical acceptance is based on the notion that suffering comes not directly from pain, but from one’s attachment to pain’.3 You can learn how to use radical acceptance here.
You can learn more about letting go in this article that I wrote- click here to access it.
Here is an excellent video on radical acceptance for your further learning.
Tactic 10- Choose Effectiveness over Wilfulness
The core beliefs we mentioned in tactic 9 can be so strong in some type 4s that they feel completely real. The enneagram type 4 individual may try to resist the truth that they are inherently worthy and significant and that there is nothing wrong with them. As a result of this, the type 4 enneagram person may undergo an exhausting, long drawn-out attempt to identify what it is that makes them different to other people. This can cause suffering and will ultimately hold the type 4 back. In order to live better, the type 4 enneagram person must learn to be their own hero by raising themselves over this distressing state and prioritising effectiveness and happiness.
There is a common DBT therapy term used to describe this state – wilfulness. Wilfulness refers to resistance to change – stubbornness. When a person is in a wilful state, they stay stuck in their suffering. They think that it is better to be ‘right’ than to make changes and start to accept themselves and feel better.
In order for the enneagram type 4 individual to grow, they must move out of this state of wilfulness, and into a state of willingness. When they do that, they will move into a mindset of peace rather than a mindset of trying to confirm their limiting false beliefs.
How to get rid of a wilful attitude:
- Learn how to embrace willingness: here is an excellent article (including activities for you to do) on shifting from a wilfulness mindset to a willingness mindset.
2. Shift from a state of wilfulness into a state of effectiveness: a state of effectiveness refers to a state where you are focusing on how to improve your situation. It is a problem-solving mindset where your main focus is what needs to be done. When you are in a state of effectiveness you are moving towards growth and away from stubborn resistance. It may be a difficult option. Sometimes it can feel easier to remain in a state of self-pity and wilfulness, but ultimately in order to grow you need to be your own hero and take this leap.
You can learn more about how to be effective by clicking here.
Tactic 11- Learn how to Re-energise yourself to Live more Comfortably
Many enneagram type 4 individuals are introverts, with some sources claiming that up to 78% of us are introverted! That is a huge number! Additionally, many of us enneagram type 4s are highly sensitive people. In order to be at our best, self-actualizing state, it is essential for us to learn what energises us so that we can recharge our energy. This is essential to prevent burnout or overload. It is extremely important to regularly set aside time to recharge our energy. Be your own hero and set aside this important time for your self because you will live better by doing so.
Here is an activity you can use to learn what energises you:
Experiment and log your findings- it can be difficult to identify the things that actually recharge us. Many of us sit down and watch Netflix at the end of a long day, thinking that this is the ‘recharging’ we need. In reality, we all recharge in different ways. For some of us, a Netflix marathon may be exactly what we need. However, others of us may simply be fooling ourselves into thinking we are recharging, when in reality Netflix is not what truly recharges us!
Conduct a mini experiment where you try out different activities. Log down how you feel after you have done your activity and then sit back and analyse the results. By doing this you will be able to identify what truly recharges you.
Tactic 12- Build your Own Self Love as an Enneagram Type 4 Personality Individual by Loving and Accepting Others
Many enneagram type 4 individuals struggle with self-acceptance. As human beings, we are born without opinions or judgments of ourselves. It is judgment that causes emotion, and therefore it is judgment that causes self-critical thoughts and low self-esteem.
The way we judge other people reflects the way we judge ourselves and vice- versa. In order to judge ourselves more favourably and love ourselves, we must start judging others more favourably and lovingly as well.
If you want to live better, increasing the love you have for others is a great place to start.
Here are some ways to start loving more and judging less – be your own hero with these tactics:
1.Noticing judgmental thoughts- start noticing how you think about others more. When you have negative judgmental thoughts about others, try to reframe the thoughts in you mind to kinder or mores neutral thoughts. For example, if you are thinking ‘friend X is so lazy and boring, she never wants to do anything fun’ you can reframe that thought to be ‘friend X wants to do different things to me, maybe she enjoys different things or maybe she is feeling particularly tired at the moment. I’ll speak to her and try to find something we both enjoy doing’.
2. Start looking at people with more love- it may sound cheesy, but try to start looking at strangers and complimenting them more in your head. Think ‘he has a lovely smile’ or ‘she looks like a really caring person’, think ‘that mother looks like she has a lot on her plate, she must be an incredible woman to be looking after her children so calmly’, etc. You can think anything really, just try to shift your thoughts to more loving and accepting ones.
3. Remember that you are part of the same team – it is easy for enneagram type 4 individuals to adopt the mindset of ‘me versus them’. As type 4s, we may feel rejected or unaccepted (due to the enneagram type 4 core beliefs), even if no one has really done anything to reject us. We must try to shift our mindset so that we start believing that people like us, that we are likeable. People are generally not against us. We do not need to compete or be better than other people to feel worthy or significant. You can only truly be your own hero when you learn to respect yourself and the pathway to this is by loving and accepting other people more too.
Round-Up
Today we discussed 12 ways for you to be your own hero and live better as an enneagram type 4 individual. Remember, you may already have mastered some or all of these things- try to work on the tactics that you feel you need a boost in.
Thank you for being here today!
Sending love and hugs always,
Serenely Creative
- Operations (2020). Defence Mechanisms: Guardians of our Type-based Ego Structure | Type 4. [online] The Enneagram in Business. ↩︎
- hopeway.org. (n.d). 10 Steps of Radical Acceptance |Hopeway. [online] Available at: https://hopeway.org/blog/radical-acceptance#:~:text=Radical%20acceptance%20is%20a%20distress%20tolerance%20skill%20that,In%20other%20words%2C%20it%20is%20what%20it%20is. ↩︎
- Verywell Mind. (n.d). How to Practice Radical Acceptance. [online] Available at: https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-radical-acceptance-5120614#:~:text=Radical%20acceptance%20can%20be%20defined%20as%20the%20ability,pain%2C%20but%20from%20one%E2%80%99s%20attachment%20to%20the%20pain. ↩︎
